(By Kee Won Huh) When it comes to the Christian understanding of sex, there is a disconnect for me. Christians, in general, are known for being sexual prudes or killjoys. Yet, when I read the Bible, I am utterly baffled as to how Christians have built this reputation for themselves. Of course, I know and understand how it happened. (I was just being rhetorical.) But the problem for me is that the frigidness that often permeates the Christian sexual ethic is not representative of what I see in the Bible. From what I can tell, God is not a prude when it comes to sex.
Case in point is the book Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. Unfortunately, most English translations “smooth over” what is in reality a very explicit text – it is actually an extended love song between a married couple engaging in passionate and prolonged lovemaking. One passage reads, “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts are like clusters of fruit. I will climb the palm tree; and take hold of its fruit.” In other words, “I will fondle your breasts.” In another place, after slowly working down her husband’s body in her mind’s eye, the woman describes the husband’s erect penis as an ivory tusk, which, of course, the English versions shy away from. Tremper Longman III, a reputable Old Testament scholar, writes, “After commenting on his arms, she then describes a part of his body as a polished ivory tusk. Most English translations hesitate in this verse. The Hebrew is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring out the obvious meaning. The smooth and expensively ornamented tusk of ivory is a loving description of her husband’s erect penis.” Talk about unabashed rejoicing in sex! And the Song of Solomon is filled with this type of imagery. The resounding message of the book is, “Stare. Drink in her body. Behold his manhood. Revel and bask in each other’s love. Imagine what you’re going to do. (Lots of foreplay.) And then, for goodness sake, do it!” By the way, the reason the book is cast in poetic, lyrical language is because only that kind of language can capture the sensuous, rapturous qualities of sexual love. Contra the popular misunderstanding of the Christian sex ethic, Song of Solomon reveals that sex in the Bible is clearly not only for procreation. The sense you get from Song of Solomon is that this couple was “enjoying” each other all day long.
This picture of sex does not change in the New Testament. Jesus and the Apostle Paul get a bad rap by us moderns because of their prohibitions against adultery and fornication. Many think, “They must be prudes because they restrict sex.” However, this could not be further from the truth. A proper understanding of Jesus’ words and the writings of Paul reveals the real reason they erect boundaries around sex – they want to protect it. Of course, the liberal-minded person typically reacts in disbelief to this notion that sex needs any type of protection or delineation, let alone from Christians. But this idea is something that should be easy for the average person to understand. We all place boundaries around the things we love. We don’t let our kids run in the streets because we care for them. We buy protective films for our iPhones because we want them to last. Our government (usually) enacts laws to protect its citizens. In life, proper boundaries are not oppressive. Rather, good boundaries actually protect the things that are important and enable people to live life maximally.
Jesus and Paul do not think sex is dirty. They think it is good. And they want you to experience it properly so that you can actually maximize the sexual experience as well as its powerful relational and intimacy building dynamic. Anthony Thistleton writes, “Far from devaluing sex, Paul is doing the very opposite. Paul was far ahead of first century cultural assumptions in perceiving the sexual act as one of self-commitment which deeply involves the entire person not merely body parts. Paul is saying that sex is meant by God to be the full giving of one’s entire self to the one to whom you belong.” Sex ordered properly is the most intimate expression of love between a husband and wife. It is supposed to culminate and express the marital commitment. Sex symbolizes and seals your whole-life commitment. So it only makes sense to preserve it. Unfortunately, most people see it the other way around. As a recent study on college students reveals, the modern mantra is “sex first, commitment maybe.”
The situation in which modern people currently find themselves is actually extremely ironic. We believe it is the secular world that champions sex. And when we look at the media, this common sense belief seems sound. All around us, the praises of sex are lifted with a fervor that is both frantic and unrelenting. But in reality, it is the bible that has the higher view of sex. (Far higher, I might add.) In all its frenzied obsession with experiencing sex liberally and unfettered from the supposedly outmoded Christian view, it is the modern world that has cheapened sex. By casting off restraint and by divorcing sex from its proper context, modern people are now more confused and distraught about sex than they have ever been.
Over the course of a lifetime, a rather large percentage of people will have had sex with multiple partners or we will have had sex outside of a committed marriage. We think this is normal and healthy. It is not. According to Jesus and Paul, when a person has sex with someone, and they separate, and they have sex with someone else down the road, they are connecting and tearing, connecting and tearing at incredibly profound levels. And this, as you can imagine, damages us.
Lauren Winner, author of Real Sex, comments on thinker Lewis Smedes, “[Lewis Smedes says,] ‘Behind Paul’s vigorous attack on fornication is a positive view of sexual intercourse,’ and that positive view is that sex ‘involves two people in a life-union; it is life-uniting act.’ This is what sex is, not necessarily what sex seems to be. It may seem casual, but in fact it is, always, profound. As Smedes explains, ‘It does not matter what the two people have in mind…[Sex] unites them in that strange, impossible to pinpoint sense of ‘one flesh.’ There is no such thing as casual sex, no matter how casual people are about it.’” Study after study reinforces this point – sex treated casually brings disorder and trauma into our lives.
So many psychological and spiritual problems arise because of our disordered views and experience of sex. A New York Times article comments on the modern assumption that sex outside of marriage is fine so long as it is between two consenting adults: “We’ve tried a generation of this and more and more people are recognizing that the result has been an enormous amount of disillusionment, bitterness, broken families, ruined careers and fatal obsessions. And there is more and more talk that monogamy is a great idea.” And a recent study shows that those who order sex properly have more fulfilling relationships later. Now someone might say, “I’m not having sex causally. I only have sex when I commit to someone.” Unfortunately, anything short of marital sex is casual as it fails to realize sex in its most proper and highest form.
God wants to protect sex, but in doing so, he is not ruining it, as so many assume. What always gets me about people who think God is this cosmic killjoy is that they forget that God is the one who invented sex! Now, let’s think about this for a moment. If God is the one who created the orgasm, which is marked by intense pleasure and a blissful loss of control, then what makes us think he’s out to make sex terrible? When I look at the character of God as revealed in Jesus, I do not see some sinister deity that creates pleasure only to deprive us of it. My wife and I take seriously the understanding that God wants us to have an awesome sex life as a married couple. We actually work at it. In a sense, we are serious about having fun! And let me tell you something. Contrary to the media’s portrayal that forbidden sex is “where it’s at,” marital sex is friggin’ awesome, and it has only gotten better over the years. And as the Bible teaches (and studies confirm), our sex life has helped to build a feeling of greater intimacy in our relationship – sex, we have found, helps us to realize and to seal our marital vows at levels we could scarcely imagine prior.
Of course, that does not mean simply because you are faithfully having sex in the confines of marriage, it will be great. Reality is, sometimes you’re tired! And other times, you just don’t know what pleases your partner. For sex to become great, it takes real work and communication and the understanding that sex is about pleasing the other person first. And this is why I find the argument that a couple must have sex before marriage to see if they are sexually compatible to be a load of crap. It always takes time for couples to become sexually compatible (and I’m not only talking physically).
By the way, that last idea about pleasing your partner first is actually something to think about. If both partners approach sex selfishly, it will, I guarantee, stink. But if both are obsessed about pleasing the other, then you can only imagine the possibilities. And this is biblical. Paul teaches that sex is also a means of ministering to your spouse. He says that spouses are not to deprive each other. And the logical corollary, therefore, is that married couples are to take the time to please each other. Sadly, I know of several married women who have never experienced an orgasm. Tragically, sometimes this can be caused by some disease or disorder. Most of the time, however, I have found it is the result of lack of effort on the part of husbands. (Note to husbands: Sex is not over until both parties get their “cookies.”) And I’m not talking about performance or equipment issues. There are ways to please the wife other than intercourse. In situations like this, the man is to seek the wife’s joy and the woman is supposed to communicate her needs (because men don’t always know), and vice versa. But caveats aside, sex properly envisioned and biblically practiced is very good.
Unfortunately, the Christian community in America has failed miserably at communicating this biblical understanding of sex. Indeed, the evangelicals are getting better. I know many churches that now talk about sex openly. Some have even launched “30-day sex challenges” for married couples. (That is, have sex everyday for thirty days, not don’t have sex for thirty days!) And some excellent books such as Real Sex have been written by thoughtful evangelicals. However, despite these recent efforts, many Christians are still coming away with the message that sex is somehow this “necessary but defiling mode of procreation.”
A primary example are the conservative Christian abstinence-only programs. Talk about a colossal failure of epic proportions. Study after study reveals these programs are not only abysmally ineffective at actually keeping teens from having sex, they are actually known to drive teens to unsafe sex practices. As a means of preserving their virginity, instead of having intercourse, they are just having more oral and anal sex (because “those aren’t really sex”). And they are doing it without protection as condom usage is shunned. Advocates of these programs rebut that they have had many students commit to waiting until marriage and they wear chastity rings. Rings mean nothing. Spouses exchange rings, and the divorce rate is what it is. Some programs highlight powerful testimonials. But life-changing testimonials abound for almost anything. ShamWow, for example, has some awesome testimonials, yet in my experience, the product stinks.
I do not think most of these programs actually teach outright that sex is bad or that the body is bad, but, unfortunately, that is the message with which young people leave these programs. Christians need to rethink their strategy, and actually align their methods with the biblical teaching on sex. Namely that the body and sex are incredibly good things, and that is why sex must be experienced in its proper context. And that if people do mess up, grace and forgiveness are there, otherwise they will go into hiding rather than seek restoration and healing. And these groups need to teach and embody these things so that young people believe them. Youth read attitudes and actions better than words, and the prevailing sense they get from churches and abstinence programs is that sex is taboo, and consequently, somehow dirty. And the net result has been either the teens find the church is full of crap because they find sex is fun (which it is) or the teens ends up developing disordered views of sex that affect their self-images as well as their future relationships and marriages. (I have found some Christians who grew up in these environments have to learn that sex with their spouses is ok.)
Lauren Winner explains why it is so important to teach about the goodness of our bodies and sex. A recent study shows that sports are better at keeping girls from having pre-marital sex than churches. You ask, “Sports? How?” Winner explains, “At first blush, team sports and sexual abstinence seem to have nothing to do with each other. But in fact, the relationship makes sense: Through soccer and tennis and field hockey, those girls are learning how to inhabit their bodies in good, robustly physical ways. They are seeing their bodies change and excel and face challenges, and sometimes, fail them. Their sports teams are communities that are teaching them how to live – not as sex objects, but as bodies that are graceful and disciplined and strong. They are learning, through those tennis matches and lacrosse games, that their bodies should be celebrated, because their bodies do great things.” Basically, the higher the view of the body we have, the more we will honor it and protect it. But the lower the view, the more we will toss it around carelessly. And as Winner rightly points out, community is absolutely essential. It is the community that will reinforce the beliefs and help the individual to integrate them in his or her life. This is why also a properly envisioned community that addresses body and sex in healthy (biblical) ways is so critical for our sexual development. Unfortunately, in all their righteous indignation and/or squeamishness, churches have failed us in this regard as well. Believe it or not, all of this is the biblical understanding of the body and sex. Christians and churches will do well to relearn it.
(This commentary is a perspective of the guest contributor and may or may not reflect the views of those associated with Konnect Magazine)
About Kee Won Huh
Facebook comments: